Introduction to BDSM
04 September 1999
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Australian
BDSM
Information
Site
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What is BDSM?
The term "BDSM" is a clever acronym
for three pairs of words: Bondage & Discipline,
Dominance & Submission and Sadism &
Masochism. They cover a range of activities and
relationships enjoyed by friends and lovers,
sometimes just in the bedroom, and sometimes
flowing into the day-to-day lives of the people
involved. One of the very, very important
aspects of BDSM is that it is consensual. This
means that what happens has been agreed on
beforehand by both partners. If it hasn't been
agreed on then it's simply assault and it's time
for the one being assaulted to pack their bags
and leave.
Bondage & Discipline refers to two
activities: Bondage being tying, chaining, hand-
cuffing, gagging or any other way of restraining
your partner. Discipline refers to some form of
chastisement or punishment; often spanking,
caning, paddling or similar.
Dominance & Submission refers to a
relationship where one partner is dominant, or
controlling, and the other partner is submissive,
or controlled in some way. Often this plays itself
out as the submissive partner serving, or catering
for, the needs and desires of the dominant
partner.
Sadism & Masochism refers to activities
which often explore the erotic aspects of pain;
even such simple things as nipple tweaking or
pinching.
Why BDSM?
BDSM gives people the opportunity to
explore their fantasies and aspects of their
sexuality. Statistics show that a large percentage
of couples dabble in areas which we would
define as BDSM. It could be something as
simple as a light spanking, blindfolding their
partner, or tying their partner's hands behind
their back during lovemaking. Also many people
simply get a rush from being controlled or from
taking control of their partner in some way, even
if it's just taking the roles of, say, teacher and
schoolgirl as a form of foreplay.
By giving these activities a name and by
sharing experiences via books, demonstrations
and word-of-mouth, BDSM enthusiasts learn
about new things to try and how to do them,
what "toys" are available and how to use them,
as well as things not to try.
Who does BDSM?
Many couples practice BDSM without
realising it, and those who eventually do make
contact with the BDSM community in their area
are often pleasantly surprised to find that what
they thought was their own private "kink" is
shared by others , and that these other people
often know better and more exciting things to
try.
Anyone can--and probably every type of
person imaginable does--practise BDSM, from
doctors, lawyers and judges to office-workers,
housewives and teenagers.
BDSM though, is best practised in a
caring, supportive relationship. It's about
exploring and satisfying inner needs and wants
and these are best done with someone you trust,
and someone who cares enough to explore and
share with you.
BDSM is not Abuse
BDSM is not about abuse. Abuse is when
someone uses fear to control their partner--fear
of punishment, or threats, or psychological
manipulation. In many cases abuse is simply not
being able to say no. A common phrase in the
BDSM community is: safe, sane & consensual.
One of the things which this means is that we do
what we do with the consent of our partner and
after negotiation. Part of the negotiation is often
how to say no.
We want our partners to grow, to feel
happy, satisfied, healthy and fulfilled, and to go
with us and explore the avenues of BDSM with
their own desire, determination and passion.
Communication, trust, caring and respect
(including the respect of each others' limits) are
the way to get this.
Activities
Within the BDSM community we have
play-parties, munches and get-togethers of all
sorts, and instructional afternoons and evenings.
Play-parties are where BDSM enthusiasts
get together to meet, talk and try and explore
their areas of interests with others. It is a time to
sometimes show off, share stories, meet new
people and learn from those with more
experience than ourselves. At the parties there
are usually a number of experienced people
around keeping an eye on the "newbies", ready
to advise or help out if they should have any
problems.
Munches are get-togethers in a cafe or
restaurant. These are social occasions only. They
are times to chat and eat and get to know each
other away from play.
Sometimes, too, we have an evening or a
weekend when we all get together for classes
and talks, and to exchange notes on different
techniques. These are times when the old-hands
come in to teach and demonstrate, and to explain
their views on BDSM.
Safety
Safety is one of our primary concerns.
There are many people in the BDSM community
who go for the bigger thrills and, hence, the
bigger risks. Reducing these risks and making
sure that we are prepared when things do go
wrong is something that we are all keen about.
Safety includes things like knowing how
to tie your partner without cutting off circulation,
knowing what to do if you lose the keys to your
handcuffs, what to do if your partner gets a
cramp, and lots more.
Professionals
In most Australian cities it is not too hard
to find BDSM professionals; often they advertise
in the sex newspapers and magazines. The most
common are the "Mistresses": women who will
tie you, flog you, act out your D&S fantasies
with you, and so on. As with most things of a
slightly underground nature, you have to be a
careful, and there are lots of so-called mistresses
who are nothing more than prostitutes looking
for a few extra dollars.
If you do want to find a professional, ask
around, maybe check with people in the BDSM
community to see if you can find someone who
is known to be competent. Ultimately it is a case
of "let the buyer beware".
Equipment/Shops
Often the best places to look for ready-
made BDSM "toys" and equipment are the
larger sex shops and leather shops. Here you'll
find riding crops, gags, masks, wrist- and ankle-
cuffs, nipple-clamps, floggers, paddles,
harnesses, collars and much more. Shop around
because prices vary widely.
Do-it-yourself fans in the BDSM
community, on the other hand, love hardware
stores. It's quite amazing what you can rig up
with the clips, pegs, wire and so forth, which
you can buy there. You just need to let your
imagination go!
Books
There are quite a few books around that
can help you get a quick and safe start into
BDSM. A good how-to-do-it book with lots of
pictures and diagrams is Screw The Roses,
Send Me The Thorns by Miller & Devon.
Another how-to-do-it book (with no pictures but
much excellent advice) is The Loving
Dominant by John Warren. Different Loving
by Brame, Brame and Jacobs is a "catalogue" of
what BDSM activities there are, who does them
and how common they are this is much more
academic than practical, but interesting and a
good read nonetheless Finally, an oldie, but still
goodie, is SM 101 by Jay Wiseman.
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