04 September 1999
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Introduction to BDSM II 04 September 1999 |
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Note: the term "BDSMer" is used here to refer to someone who participates in BDSM activities
There are some BDSMers for whom BDSM is part of their lives. These life-stylers are into some aspect of BDSM 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Their interest in BDSM never gets put back in the draw. It is part of their identities.
BDSM is an aspect of human sexuality. The erotic nature, to some people, of being tied up, whipped, humiliated, and so on, has been known for thousands of years. This may seem strange to you if you have never experienced BDSM or felt a need or craving for any BDSM-type activities, but nevertheless is well-documented and fairly common.
Governments, the church and individuals have tried over the millennia to deal with (ie. suppress) all or part of BDSM, just the same as they have tried to suppress sex outside of marriage and masturbation. But BDSM, and not just BDSM, is part of human sexuality, maybe not mainstream, but a part of it nonetheless.
Here, on this site, we deal with consensual BDSM. That is, BDSM between agreeing partners.
Having BDSM in your life means having a partner that supports and shares your interest. With a caring partner you can explore and express this side of your nature without embarrassment and without condemnation.
Even in the areas of plain, vanilla sexuality (ie. without BDSM) communication, support and trust are key elements to a satisfactory partnership. Communicating your needs to you partner and hearing their needs from them lets you both share and be satisfied.
In the BDSM world communication and trust become so much more critical to the functioning of the relationship. How much trust do you need to have in your partner to allow them to tie you up so tightly that you cannot move to protect yourself, trusting your partner to respect you and satisfy your needs? Certainly more trust than in a vanilla relationship.
A scene in BDSM is a planned activity. It might involve any aspect at all of BDSM, but it has a clearly defined beginning and a clearly defined end.
"Good" BDSMers play it safe. When someone tells you that they want to tie a rope tightly around your neck it is time to move on. A "good" partner is one who takes the time to make sure that a scene is going to work and who makes sure that you are both comfortable and in agreement with what is about to pass.
There is no room in BDSM for foolishness. Both partners must be on the ball all the time. There is no room for clouded judgements so you typically find no alcohol and no drugs in scenes.
It really comes down to two people who care about each other, participating in activities that they find mutually satisfying. This is the basis of any good partnership.
There are, unfortunately, many marriages where the husband beats his wife and she has no defence. This is dehumanising, degrading, humiliating, soul-destroying abuse.
But in BDSM the goal is not to bring your partner down. It is to satisfy the needs of your partner.
There may be no physical difference between the acts of whipping by an abusive husband and whipping by your BDSM partner, but the emotions behind one are anger and frustration, while behind the other are love and caring.
In BDSM your partner acts by mutual consent. Your partner acts to satisfy whatever needs you have. If these needs include any of the activities listed at the beginning of this article then your are in the world of BDSM. But your are still in the universe of caring, trust and respect.