28 February 1998
|
|
|
Jokes 28 February 1998 |
|
|
Quick Site Index |
|
|
Sick and tired of their history professor's lewd jokes and sexual innuendo, a group of girls decided that the next time he uttered an inappropriate remark they would get up and leave his class in protest. However, having overheard their plan and looking to score some points with the professor, a fellow student informed him of their scheme.
The next day, after chatting about current events for a few minutes, the teacher suddenly smiled and, making a clever segue, said, "You know, I hear there's a shortage of whores in Paris!"
Three pregnant women: a redhead, a brunette and a blonde were all sitting in the doctor's office one day.
"I'm glad this one will be a boy." announced the redhead.
"But," asked the blonde, "how can you know that?"
"Well," explained the redhead, I conceived during the male dominant position."
"Yes," agreed the brunette, "and my baby will be a girl because I conceived during the female dominant position."
With that the blonde burst into tears.
"What's wrong?" asked the other two ladies.
To which the blonde wailed, "I'm gonna have puppies!"
A man and his wife had been stranded on a deserted island for many years. The morning following a bad storm, a new guy washes up on the shore.
The new guy and the wife are VERY attracted to each other right away, but they realize that certain protocols will have to be observed. The husband, oblivious to the pheromones floating around, is very glad to see the second man there. "This is wonderful! Now we'll be able to have three people doing 8-hour shifts in the watchtower instead of two people doing 12-hour shifts." The new man is only too happy to help, and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tall tower and stands watch, scanning the ocean horizon for any ships. Soon the husband and wife start placing stones in a circle in order to make a fire to cook supper.
The new man yells down: "Hey, no screwing!"
They look at each other and yell back: "We're not screwing!"
A few minutes later, they start to put driftwood into the stone circle.
Again the new man yells down: "Heeey, no screwing!"
Again they yell back, "We're not screwing!"
Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of the shack to patch leaks. Once again the new man yells down from high above: "Hey, I said no screwing!!"
They yell back, "And we said we're not screwing!!"
Finally the shift is over and the new man climbs down from the tower and the husband starts to climb up. By the time he gets half-way up, his wife and the new man are already screwing their brains out. Once at the top, the husband turns around and looks down and says to himself:
"Son-of-a-gun! From up here it DOES look like they're screwing."
A woman was very despondent over not having had sex in quite some time. She was becoming agitated and worried that she might never find a mate. In hopes of finding a solution to her problem, she decided that it was time to see a doctor.
Looking through the phone book, she came upon a Chinese doctor (a sex therapist) named Dr. Chang. She made an appointment.
When the woman arrived at the doctor's office for her appointment, she told the doctor about her symptoms, and he responded by saying, "Take off your crowes and crawl real fass away from me across the floor." She crawled to the other side of the room and then Dr. Chang said, "Now you crawl real fass back to me." And she did.
Dr. Chang shook his head and said, "You haf real bad case of Zachary disease... worse case I ever see! That why you haf sex probrem." The woman was completely confused and asked the doctor exactly what Zachary disease was, and he said, "Zachary disease... That when your face look Zachary rike your ass!!"
Hear about the prostitute who was into bondage?
She was strapped for cash.
I couldn't figure out what was happening. She had descended deeply into subspace, and her voice had become tiny and difficult to hear over the music we had playing for our scene. I had her well-trained to orgasm on command, and I could easily speak loudly enough, when ordering this, to be heard over the classical piece playing on the stereo. She, however, was unable to summon the strength or the willpower to speak up, so I had stopped our play until I could make out what she was saying.
Every time I asked her what she had said, she would shudder uncontrollably, deep in the throes of another orgasm. I was powerless to help her... or to stop her from possibly causing herself injury. Her barely audible voice kept repeating something that I could not make out.
Once again, she whispered out her plea... and once again I replied...
"Come again?"
I knew a girl at work once who was truly concerned about her husband's smoking. She told me that she had finally gotten him to agree to limit his smoking at home to only those times when they had finished making love. She had gotten the idea from a classic movie they had both seen on TV called "Cold Turkey".
After about a week I asked her how it was going.
"Well, not too bad", she said, getting up off of a pillow she had on her chair and limping towards the photocopy machine. "I've gotten him down to about a pack a night now."
A frustrated wife decided her sex life needed spicing up. After work she went shopping and picked up a pair of crotchless panties. She went home and donned the new garment and selected a short skirt to go with it. She greeted her husband when he came home from work and sat across from him as they had a drink.
She slowly spread her legs... "Honey, would you like some of this?"
"HELL, NO! Look what its done to your underwear."
Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don't?
Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed. Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator.
A man and a women are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the women gets out, picks it up, and brings it in to the car.
She says, "Look, it's shivering. It must be cold. What should I do?"
He says, "Put it between your legs."
She says, "What about the smell?"
He says, "Hold its nose."
A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him. He gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, were going to our room for a little while."
Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and see the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom.
"Before you look in there", he says, "keep in mind this is the same woman who paddled our butts for sucking out thumbs."
A lady goes for her first gold lesson. Says the pro, "You've got to hold the club like you hold your husband's organ."
She takes the club and hits the ball.
He says, "Beautiful... Perfect shot. Right down the fairway. Now, take the club out of your mouth and grasp it in your hands and we'll go the distance."
There's this couple doing work and the wife stops to go up and take a shower. Shortly thereafter the guy is looking for the rake and yells to his wife., who looks out the upstairs bathroom window, "Where is the rake?". She can't hear him, so he points to his eye (I), points to his knee (need) and then makes raking motions.
"What?" she yells.
So he goes through the routine again. She nods like she gets it and then points to her eye, then to her left breast, then to her ass and then to her crotch.
Her husband is totally confused so he goes in the house, upstairs and into the bathroom: "What did you say?"
She says "I said `eye left tit behind the bush`."
A middle-aged man and woman meet, fall in love, and decide to get married. On their wedding night they settle into the bridal suite at their hotel and bride says to her new groom, "Please be gentle. I am a virgin."
The startled groom says "How can that be? You said that you've been married 3 times before."
The bride responds, "Well, you see it was this way: My first husband was a psychiatrist and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it. My second husband was an astronomer and all he ever wanted to do was look at it." Catching her breath she then added, "And my third husband was a stamp collector and all he ever wanted to do was... God, I miss him!"
One night in a sleepy town the chemical plant explodes into flames. The alarm goes out and departments from miles around race to the scene. After fighting the fire for over an hour the chemical company president approaches the fire chief, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!"
With this the firemen attack with a renewed gusto. Two hours later they still have not gained any ground. The company president offers $100,000 to the engine company that brings out the company's secret files.
In the distance a long siren is heard and soon another fire truck comes into sight. The fire chief realizes that it is that little rinky-dink volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over 65. Much to his amazement the fire engine races through the chemical plant gates and drives right into the middle of the inferno. He can see these old timers hopping off their rig fighting the fire with an effort that he has never seen before.
Less than an hour later the fire is out and the secret formulas have been saved by this group of volunteers! The chemical company president is so ecstatic he doubles the reward to $200,000! After thanking the volunteers the chemical company president can't help but ask what they will do with the reward money. The engineer (driver) looks him right in the eye, "First thing we do is fix the damn brakes on that truck!"
Sam and Dave are camping in the wilderness. Sam turns and notices a bear about a mile behind them. They decide to pick up the pace a bit. However, it soon becomes apparent that the bear is following them, in fact the bear has broken into a run.
Sam quickly removes his backpack and rummages through it. Astonished, Dave asks what he's doing. Sam replies that he is going to remove his hiking boots and put on running shoes.
"Are you crazy? You'll never outrun a bear in running shoes", says Dave. Sam replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear. I just have to outrun you."
Well, it seems that this guy was walking along a California beach when he kicked a bottle poking up through the sand. Opening it, he was astonished to see a cloud of smoke and a genie smiling at him!
"For your kindness," the genie said, "I will grant you one wish!" The man paused, laughed, and replied, "I have always wanted a road from California to Hawaii! I wish for a road to be built from San Francisco to Hawaii."
The genie grimaced, thought for a few minutes and said, "Listen. I'm sorry, but I can't do that! Think of all the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how long they'd have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement! That's too much to ask."
"OK," the man said, not wanting to be unreasonable. "I'm a psychiatrist. Make me understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with, what do they really want? Basically, teach me makes them tick!"
The genie paused, and then sighed, "Did you want two lanes or four?"
An Irishman walks out of a pub, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, "Can I help you, lad?"
"Yesss, sssshombody stole me car!", the Irishman replies.
The cop asks, "Well now. Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It was at the end of this key."
About this time the cop looks down to see that the Irishman's member is being exhibited for all to see. He asks, "Are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
The Irishman looks down woefully and moans, "OOOH, GOD! They got me girlfriend too!!"
A woman walked into the drugstore and said, "I want to buy a vibrator."
The druggist waggled his finger and said, "Come this way."
The woman replied, "If I could come that way, I wouldn't need a vibrator."
Grandpa and granddaugher were sitting talking when she asked, "Did God make you, Grandpa?"
"Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered.
A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me too?"
"Yes, He did," the older man answered.
For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind. At last she spoke up.
"You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job lately."
Mr.X wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector puts this question to him: "What would you do if you realised that 2 trains were heading for each other on the same track?"
Mr.X says, "I would switch the points for one of the trains."
"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector. "Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Mr.X," and I'd use the manual lever over there."
"What if that had been struck by lightning?"
"Then," Mr.X continues, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box."
"What if the phone was engaged?"
"Well in that case," persevered Mr.X, "I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there."
"What if that was vandalised?"
"Oh well then I'd run into the village and get my uncle."
This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?"
Came the answer, "Because he's never seen a train crash."
A man suffers from terrible headaches. Finally he went to the doctor, who gave him a thorough examination.
"Well, we're not sure exactly what's causing the problem, but we know a cure. You'll have to be castrated."
The man needless to say, was horrified. "No, doctor. Definitely not," he protests, "I prefer to suffer the headaches."
As time passed the headaches got worse and worse and finally he was driven back to the surgery.
"Okay, I can't stand it any longer. I'll have the operation." And so he was castrated.
Afterwards the man was very depressed and his doctor told him, "I recommend you begin a new life; start fresh from this point."
Taking the advice, the man went to a men's shop for new clothes. The salesman greets him and says, "Let's start with the suit. Looks like you'd take a 38 regular."
"That's right", said the man, "How did you know?"
"Well, when you have been in the business as long as I have, you get pretty good at sizing a man up. Now for the shirt... Looks like a 15 long."
"Exactly!", said the man.
"And for underpants, I'd say a size 36."
"Well, there's your first mistake," said the man, "I've worn 34s for years."
"No, you're a size 36 if ever I've seen one", said the salesman.
"I ought to know," the man replied. "I take a 34."
"Well, if you insist," said the salesman. "But they're going to pinch your balls and give you terrible headaches."
I just discovered an undocumented feature in Windows 95:
It goes down on you more often than any girlfriend you'll ever have.
Q: What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A: No one to talk to during orgasm.
Q: What do Lifesavers do that a man can't?
A: Come in eight flavors.
Q: What do you get when you cross a vibrator with an anteater?
A: An armadildo.
Q: What was the first obscenity ever heard on T.V.?
A: "Ward, weren't you a little hard on the Beaver last night?"
A man is drinking with friends one evening at the local bar. He sees a cat walking along the side of the bar flipping it's tail. The man, now full of himself with brew, boasts out loud, "I have a penis as long as that cat's tail."
His drinking buddies all start laughing and poking fun. The man makes the boast again and smacks down $20 as a bet. His buddies quiet a bit and toss in the money and encourage their boastful friend to prove it.
The man stands up, drops his trousers and sports a very ominous member. He stands there while the others grab the cat and measure the cat's tail. The others start laughing when they measure the tail to a length of 12". They turn to the man and measure and start laughing and cheering because they measured him at only 9".
As the others started to sit down, the man stood there defiantly with his trousers around his ankles and asked in a loud voice, "tell me, just how did you measure that cat's tail?"
The other man that did the measuring said, "well, from the tip of the cat's tail, to his asshole".
"Well then", said the man, "please afford me the same courtesy"!!!!!
The Rules To Bedroom Golf
Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman that was suffering from Alzheimer's. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldn't handle him any longer. He would wander about never knowing where he was or sometimes even who he was. She took him to a nursing home.
At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly the man starting slowly leaning to his left. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up. A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right. Again, the nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side. Then he started leaning forward. This time, the nurse strapped him into the chair.
About this time, his wife, having completed the paperwork, walked up to him and asked, "How do you like the place?" "It's okay," he said. "But, they won't let me fart."
Why the Internet Is Like a Penis
"My taste in dates," the girl remarked over a lunch with several other women friends, "runs to men who are tall, dark and hung-some."
Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc., and finally gets around to their sex lives.
Sue says "It's OK. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure, how's yours?" Sally replies "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M."
Sue is aghast. "Really Sally, I never would have guessed that you would go for that."
"Oh, sure," says Sally, "He snores while I masturbate."